Saturday, August 21, 2010

Four Reasons Why Zombie Outbreak Is A Real And Present Danger

After reading the reassuring article 7 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Outbreak Would Fail I like many others was able to sleep peacefully. However, after careful thought, a thorough examination of the 2009 documentary Zombieland, and a fruit drink which may or may not have contained Bacardi Coconut Rum I have come to the conclusion that a Zombie outbreak is not only possible but imminent.

Zombie Apocalypse

While some may scoff, I think that once you see the arguments you too will begin working on improving your cardio health.

1 Sheer numbers

Scientists believe that there are more people alive today than the total number of people from our past. In other words there may be more of the living right now than there are potential undead.

However, instead of reassuring us I believe this should concern us. For one thing if the numbers are changing to favor the living then what better time for the Zombies to strike? Also consider that the largest generation of humans to populate the earth are now passing middle age. Soon many of these will become part of the undead ranks and the numbers will shift rapidly.

For this reason I am quite certain that a Zombie uprising will happen within the next Decade.

2 Accelerated recruitment system

While the authors of the original article were reassured by the number of predatory scavengers who would aid in the defeat of the army of darkness, I think they completely miss the mechanism by which the undead can swell their ranks: create more dead.

Consider that the typical process for creating a new living human takes nine months, on top of that it can be years before you can teach them to fire a shotgun accurately. I calculate that a single Zombie is capable of converting from four to seven humans into undead per hour. There is just no way to keep up with that kind of exponential growth rate advantage.

3 No governing body or centralized command structure

Zombies use an amorphous and anarchistic social structure. Some would see this as a major disadvantage, but I call BS. While the living are forming “A Committee to Evaluate Reports of an Undead Outbreak,” the Zombies are already clawing through your back door and eating poor Fluffy. The undead do not wait for orders. They do not hesitate while deciding to eat the cheerleader or the postal worker. They act immediately and I believe this is their greatest strength.

In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that big government and hierarchical command structures are in fact the work of minions of the undead. A plausible mechanism to slow our response to their attacks.

Our biggest disadvantage may well be our overwhelming desire for organization.

4 Fearlessness

Humans are afraid of a lot of things. The fear of death is only slightly below the fear of being turned into a mindless brain eating automaton. The site of a single Zombie will send a room full of young people screaming into the night as evidenced in numerous motion pictures.

Zombies, however, have no fear. You can’t threaten the undead with death. Even if they can be stopped via dismemberment, the prospect will not hinder their advance. Bravery, as it turns out, does not come from guts but from mindless dedication to achieving an objective.

Conclusion – Stock up on Twinkies

I can think of no other conclusion than that a Zombie uprising is currently more likely than at any time in history. For this reason I recommend we prepare. Remember that there may be no warning from our government agencies.

  • While the outbreak could come from any direction, if you live near a cemetery or ancient burial ground I suggest you consider relocation.
  • Work out an emergency plan with your family. Plan both primary and secondary rendezvous points where you can meet up when the apocalypse begins.
  • Establish a complex set of signals that would be impossible for any undead to reproduce so you can determine quickly if your loved one has already been converted to the army of undead.
  • And remember - “Double Tap”

Oh, and could someone warn Bill Murray.

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